Me Before You

No. It's not about the movie. Or the book. It's about me, before you...

...and after.

Tiap benda di dunia memiliki hati. Dan, seorang

penyair pernah berkata kepadaku, semesta sendiri

pula memiliki hati. Aku memikirkan kata-kata itu-

dan aku tidak mampu tidak memikirkan matamu.

Sepasang matamu, bencana raksasa di kejauhan.

Tidak berhenti membuat hidupku jadi benda

kecil yang memiliki hati

- Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini, 2016

Saya tau kamu bukan orang yang suka membaca. When it comes to based on the books' movies, you always said that you'd rather watch the movie than read the books, rite? Tapi saya menulis ini dengan harapan bahwa kamu, mau membacanya. Sebentar saja. Bukan, ini bukan novel setebal 600 halaman yang kamu hindari, atau Wall Street Journal yang bahkan bisa mengerutkan kening saya ketika saya baca.

Tulisan ini isi hati saya. Apa yang sungguh-sungguh saya rasakan. Honest. Raw. And nothing, not even a single thing I tried to hide from you here. Kata-kata ini ingin saya sampaikan kepada kamu sebagai closure untuk kita. Well, at least closure untuk saya. Karena pada akhirnya saya menemui batas dimana pikiran saya sudah muak menampung ribuan kata tanya tentang kamu. These are my final words, maybe the last words, that I can ever said to you. The words that I've been trying to tell you to these past few weeks (these past few years also, I think), but you've been busy with your life. So I didn't have a chance to. Not once. So, I write them here instead.

Here we go...

How long have we known each other? Around 4 or 5 years? You know what, saya masih ingat dengan jelas baju apa yang kamu pakai malam itu. Yep, that night where I first saw you. You wore that white t-shirt, short, and glasses. You were there, sitting at the end of the table, acting cool, little talks, short sentences sometime, being busy with your phone. While your other friends, were being chatty. I think, this guy is a snob! Sombong banget...! But then I don't know why, I kept looking at you. There were three other guys there, but I don't even know why I kept looking at you. I know you probably didn't realized it back then :p. Love at first sight maybe? Iewh... dangdut bener deh saya, hahaha. Kamu tahu apa yang membuat saya pertama kali memperhatikan kamu? It's a petty thing actually: Glasses. Yep, glasses. Kacamata! Then, you were the only one who wore glasses. Well, I have this thing with guys with glasses. Saya selalu suka laki-laki berkacamata. All my friends know that. Mungkin kalau hari itu kamu tidak pakai kacamata, ceritanya akan lain ya? Well... maybe not :) But, unfortunately, you wear contacts now, and you only wore glasses only once in a while. You look so cool with glasses you know... You should've wear it often...:)

Ok, back to the story. Malam itu, saya baru saja pulang menuju rumah ketika seorang teman mengirimkan sms ke saya (yes, I used text message, cause waktu itu LINE, Whatsapp, dan teman-temannya masih dalam tahap prototype :D):

"Pilau, ke M** dong, temenin gw ketemuan ama temen2 gw. Gak enak soalnya cowo semua, gw cewe sendirian nih...".

And then, without a slight of doubt, because of some pityness towards my friend (or stupidity, as I thought now), I went there...

and I met you.

Kalau saja hari itu saya sedikit keras kepala, dan memilih pulang, saya tidak akan ketemu kamu. Kita tidak akan kenal satu sama lain. Dan mungkin saja, jika itu benar terjadi, otak saya tidak perlu bekerja sekeras ini untuk berusaha menghapus kamu dari pikiran saya.

Maybe it would be much easier for me if we just... never know each other. Never met each other. I wish we never met. I wish... *sigh*

"It would be easier to forget things we never remembered." - Unknown

But then again, we met. And then I fell for you, at first sight.

And I fell even harder after that.

You can ask all my friends, they all know I could never fell in love with someone at first sight. Menurut saya dulu, jatuh cinta pada pandangan pertama itu cuma cocok jadi lirik lagu dangdut, atau kata-kata rayuan mas-mas tukang sayur buat si mbak ART baru di rumah sebelah.

But, then, the karma slaps me in the face, right when I saw you.

My best friends were all shocked when they knew that I daringly asked for your phone number to one of your friend and text you first. They said: "Ini bukan elo banget nyet! Dulu disamperin senior gebetan ke kelas aja, lo ngumpet di kolong meja. Ditungguin di taman, lo ngabur pulang. Lha ini??". Well... truth is, I didn't even believe in myself either hahaha.

Then our friendship continues... Dilanjutkan dengan bersesi-sesi karaokean *slash* ajang curhat (mostly me, but I don't know if you realize those lyrics I sang for you, or not :D). You know what? I always love listening to your voice. Though mostly, you like to push the stop button even though the song is not finished yet :p.Wanna know what my favorite song you sang? It was David Cook's version of "Always Be My Baby". That song always reminds me of you, even right until this seconds :)

And don't forget... the hours and hours of nonton film midnight bareng. Including film-film horor yang saya benci setengah mati, dan harus siap-siap bersenjatakan scarf supaya hantunya nggak keliatan-keliatan banget padahal masih tetep serem juga! (You always laugh at this strategy of mine :p Well, a girls got to do what a girls got to do :p). Kemudian masih dilanjutkan dengan nongkrong cantik di fastfood yg buka 24 jam. Untung bukan sekarang ya nongkrong yang model-model begitu. Kalau sekarang sih, pasti kamu keburu kumat migrain-nya, dan aku keburu kumat ngantuknya :p

As it goes, kita sering jalan bareng. Dari mulai rame-rame, sampai nonton cuma berdua aja. Dan saya, seperti bahasa anak sekarang, mulai baper (bawa perut kalau menurut Mili :p). And then, I daringly asked one of your friends how'd you really felt about me. But then that one friend said: "Nggak ada apa-apa. Dia nggak suka sama elo. Dia cuma nganggep lo temen aja, udah."

PRANGGG!!!

(That's the sound of my heart breaking, by the way *krik* :D)

Iya, saya patah hati waktu itu.

It hurts, but it's okay. At least we're still friends. As long as saya masih bisa ketemu kamu. Saya masih bisa lihat muka kamu once over weekends, that's enough for me.

But then, my heart got greedy. It wanted more than just a friendship. Then I got a chance to move things forward. You said yes to our trip back then. Our first trip together, just the two of us. I was excited back then, waaaaaayyyyy excited! Solo holds a special place in my heart, as it was my parents hometown. And back then it was also special because it was my cousins wedding day. It was such a great, lots of memories to be remembered. Well, except for the awkward moments when my aunts and uncles over think and assumes that we're lovers (Please please please kindly forgive them for that ya..;) Oh and btw, can you tell me what are the things my late Uncle whispered to you back then? *masih penasaran* :D).

Following Jogja trip is also special. it's the first time we spent together far from everyone we knew. Just the two of us. Us. How funny it is to be happy just to listen to the word us :) Remember when it rains cats and dogs there? Tiba-tiba saja hujan badai di Jogja waktu kita kesana. And I think that is the moment where I started to call you "The Rain Man", because every time, every single time, when we go on a trip together it always raining! :D

We stayed that long in Prambanan Temple just to take shelter from the rain on a tiny security post for hours, while we can only take 2 pictures at that place hahaha. But I love the time after. When we eat the instant noodles in the food stall right beside the temple area. That moment when we talks about random stuffs, your family, mine, our life, our dreams, and so on. It was not the cup of tea that warms my heart back then, it was you. It will always be you :)

I never wanted the trip to ended. And I literally can not sleep that night. I was to busy staring at your back all night. I was busy telling my heart to calm down and go to sleep for God sake! But I can't. I can't even shut my eyes, because I was afraid that this will be the last time I could lay there like that with you.

And then... it really happened.
I don't know why but we're getting further apart.

You're gone.

Just like that. We lost contact. Dan saya baru tahu belakangan alasannya karena handphone kamu hilang dicuri orang di Bali. Bagus deh, waktu itu saya juga kebetulan lagi butuh menata hati dan pikiran saya yang sudah amburadul kacau entah berceceran kemana.

But then, suddenly, you BBM-ed me. And you're asking about cats. Dude! We're not talking for months and YOU SUDDENLY TEXT ME ABOUT CATS? CATS??? What the f*??? (pardon my language :D)

Yes... but still I replied those text. Me... stupid me... Karena, di hadapan kamu, saya lemah. You're like my kryptonite to my sok-mau-jadi-superman-heart.

And the evil cycles just keep recycling again. We started to communicate, texts, chats, phone calls, anything. Our communications getting intense. Our time spent together getting frequent. Remember, you even went to Korean show thing-y you hated with me back then? You still have the gift t-shirt rite?? :p

Dan untuk saya puncaknya adalah ketika kamu mengajak saya ke acara pernikahan sahabat kamu di Bandung. Getting asked by a guy that you like to go together to his bestfriend's wedding is totally a big deal for women, and of course, also for me. I was happy. It means that there is actually something between us. Tapi tetap, saya nggak mau ge-er dulu. I learned from previous experience: we're friends. We can never be more than that. So, I stayed cool. Well, at least for a second.

Until...

you held my hand.

Saya tahu untuk kamu mungkin it wasn't something special. But for me it is. Kebetulan juga, pada saat itu, tepat ketika kita akan menyebrang jalan, saya bilang ke Tuhan: "God, if this really means something, if there's us and not just a "me", please give me a sign. Just one sign."

And right after that, you reach my hand, you held my hand while we crossed the street.

There you go, said God. There's your sign. Congratulations! Get ready to be heartbroken again!

Yang kamu nggak tahu. Setelah itu, di dalam kamar mandi hotel, saya sibuk senyum-senyum sendiri sambil lihat telapak tangan saya yang masih gemetaran.

Saya jatuh cinta sama kamu.

Lagi.
.
.
.

But then you got away again. It was after your birthday, we grew apart... What really happened back then? What went wrong?

That's when I thought, oh, maybe this is the birthday jinx. I lost you after your birthday back then. And I lost you again now.

I was heartbroken when I saw you post that picture with a girl on your IG account. You guys looked so happy there. I envy her. She's perfect. She's beautiful I admit.

So... I guess, right then I know the reason why we grew further apart. It was her right? I can't be mad at you at all, because who am I? I'm just nobody to you. But you know what, you're my world. And my world just crashed down that time. I broke my heart again... and again...  for the same old reason: You.

Back in December, I was happy we get to talk to each other again. (I guess you broke up with that girl didn't you?). I miss you... a lot! I do, I really miss you. And I was happy when we shared stories again. That story where you were so happy you went to that island somewhere in Padang, and you asked me to go there next time with you. I was happy to be part of your life again. But, I don't know why. I kept thinking maybe, just like previous ones, this happiness also, won't last...

Our last trip to Bandung was great. No no. It was more than great. You know why? Because there's this one thing that made my heart flutters. That one thing that made my heart break it's fortress of defense that's been build for months. Satu hal kecil yang lagi-lagi mungkin nggak penting buat kamu. But matters to me.

Well, it's always the small things that matters the most rite?

Let's talk about those small things first. Those small things I loved about you. Those small gestures. The eenie weenie tiny attentions you showed towards me. You always walks first to open the door, or opened the car door for me. Bringing the groceries bag when you saw me buying too much stuffs. Offered me to borrow your sweater when you saw me look cold inside the movie theater. Or the recent one, that night after we watched movies, when you're being worried because the driver is sleepy and then you asked me to change the taxi cab. You know what? Lemme tell you something, for girls, those little things are usually the things that made them fall head over heels for guys. Believe me :)

Okay, so where were we? Bandung? Yes, that little thing I meant here is the sweater you wore that time. That sweater. The sweater that I gave to you as your birthday gift a year ago. The one sweater that I thought, you already threw away in the trash bin. Because, not even once you wore that sweater when we go out to watch movies or have dinner. Nope. Not even once. But, it's still exist. You take it with you, and you wore it back then.

I played cool when I saw you wore that sweater. But deep down inside... I cried happily like a little girl. Yeah, this trying-to-act-strong-like-superman heart, bend down on his knees, once again in front of his kryptonite: You.

But you know what, ada satu hal juga yang membuat saya sedih waktu itu. Right when I hear you say something about the ice cream cafe. You said you knew that place from a friend. And I nod.

The truth is, I know that friend wasn't just a friend for you. Her. Yes, her. She's the one I saw in your IG right? The one in the picture that you already deleted now.

No one can describe how I felt that day when I look at your picture with her. I was shattered. You know what? I would give my life just to see you smiling that happily because of me. But no, it's because of her. Then, I got too nosy and checked on her IG. I found one picture she took in the so called ice cream cafe. At that time, I just see that picture as one of food pictures people posted on IG. But it suddenly make sense to me when you said about that place. You still remember her. Bandung still reminds you of her. She wins once again. I lost.

My heart hurts a little then.
.
.
.
.

Now... allow me to tell you a story. A little part of my life. A little part of my past.

Saat saya pertama kenal kamu, saya baru saja sembuh from months of heartbreak. It was my first love. My first ever broken heart phase. Kamu lihat kenapa saya lebih banyak diam ketika menonton AADC? I even foolishly cried (You didn't saw that rite? If you were, just pretend you weren't *face palm* :D).

Iya, cerita mereka begitu dekat dengan saya. Saya juga Cinta yang pernah punya seorang Rangga. Kami pacaran sekitar 5 bulan, sampai akhirnya dia harus berangkat ke Inggris untuk melanjutkan S2 disana. Yes, LDR sucks! Definitely! Mba Cinta sih enak bisa jalan-jalan sama keluarganya ke New York. Apa daya saya yang cuma fresh-grad dengan gaji pas-pasan, yang akhirnya cuma bisa survive it all dengan sms dan emails.

In a relationship, LDR is the root of all evils the said. Kalau ada yang kuat jalanin, hebat. Tapi lebih banyak yang menyerah kalah, termasuk saya. Waktu itu Mama mulai sakit. Dan ketika saya butuh seseorang di samping saya. Even more, ketika Mama akhirnya harus pergi untuk selamanya, dia nggak ada buat saya. Ribut-ribut kecil semakin sering. Telepon beberapa menit cuma untuk bertengkar. Padahal biaya SLI waktu itu bisa bikin meringis saking mahalnya.

And then, he just left me. Tanpa bicara apa-apa. Tanpa ada berita, tanpa ada kejelasan, tanpa apapun. He just stopped contacting me.

I need weeks, months, years to heal from that.

And when I finally did, I met you.

What I didn't know back then was that...

...eventually...

loving you hurts me more.
.
.
.

These past years he came again into my life. He started contacting me again. He even spare his time to visit me whenever he went home to Jakarta. And he also talks to my best friends. He was always close with both of them. And they like him more instead of you. In fact. My best friends, they actually hate you. Sorry to say that, but they do. Because according to them, you always hurt me. What they didn't know is, you didn't hurt me, you never hurt me. I'm the one who choose to get hurt by you.

Then, these past few months, he calls me more often. Dia berkali-kali meminta maaf atas apa yang dia pernah lakukan. Dia meminta saya melupakan semua yang ada di masa lalu kami, and start everything all over again. He even talks about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

My heart would've been fluttered, if it was years ago. But it doesn't.

And I can't go back to him, because my heart wouldn't allow me to.

Karena...

KAMU.

Dan saya ingin meyakinkan hati saya bahwa keputusan yang sedang dia buat ini sama sekali nggak salah.

All I ever wanted is just to love you. Even if you can't love me back. Call it being stupidly in love, or anything...

Karena yang saya inginkan... cuma kamu.

Kamu,
laki-laki yang waktu itu ada di sebelah saya. Laki-laki yang memegang tangan saya sambil menyeberang jalan di kala hujan waktu itu.

Sesederhana itu.

But these few days, even though I hate to admit my guts, I felt something bad is about to happened. Your birthday jinx. Times where I lost you countless back then, it was always after your birthday, always. And I'm terrified now.

I have a hunch that I will lose you again.

You know what, I'm not stupid. I know you're avoiding me these past few weeks. It was so hard for us to just meet. There were things you got to do, work stuff, reasons, excuses, and more excuses from you. Our conversations grow less. Messages getting shorts. No more good night and good morning text.

You hide something from me right? Last time when we had dinner before we watch movie, when we talks, I felt it. You changed. You're not as enthusiastic as before. Remember you were being so giddy when asking me to go with you to that island in Padang or weekend trip in Singapore? I didn't see that in you anymore. You were avoiding my eyes as if you were hiding something. You didn't answered my questions. You didn't tell me stories of your life, or your work, or about your Dad anymore. You're avoiding me. I know that for sure.

What happened? What went wrong? Did I make mistakes? Or have you found the other her? Tell me. Be honest for God sakes! I always told you over and over to be honest with me right? I'd rather be hurt with the truth than being comforted with lies. Be honest, that's all I asked from you.

If the reason really is someone else, tell me. I won't be mad if at least you're being honest with me and didn't left me without any explanation. Well, who am I deserving your explanation right? again, I am nobody for you. But you are someone for me. At least be in debt about this.

If it really is someone else, you can go. Go. Fly away to her. Maybe she's much better than me at things. But can't you see? Those someone else will only hurt you as they always did to you. Can't you see? Those someone else will always come and go in your life, but not me. I'm staying no matter what. Because I will always be here for you. I love you. I care for you. I don't care what you did to me, or what you will do to me.I don't care if I got hurt over and over again because of you. I chose to be this way, because I love you. Because my heart can not afford to love someone else as much as it does to you.

This time, why don't we try to find the way to each others, instead of trying to find the right ones...

'Cause this is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you

         - Daughter, Landfill -

I miss our good moaning and good nights, J...

I just wish I could have the chance to say this straight to you in person.
.
.
.
But you never give me one.

~ A small coffee shop, one late night in May.